Friday, October 9, 2015
Growing up, and even as an adult, I never realized the impact of encouraging words. Maybe it's a good thing, because it means my childhood was so chock-full of "great job"s and "I believe in you"s and "you can do it"s that I never felt a void. I'd never felt rundown or sad or upset enough to truly need to hear those things; praise just felt like a given.
Months ago, when I made the decision to quit my job and go back to school, I felt unstoppable. Despite the fact that my life was about to change in a drastic way, it felt right. I was finally rid of the job I'd grown to hate, and I was making what felt like huge strides to start a new career, a new way of life. I was on the way to do something that mattered. 6 months later, I'm still on that way...and it's harder than I ever imagined it would be.
My savings that took me years to build is cut in half. The credit card I used to pay off every month, no matter the statement, is quietly easing me into debt. I feel more swamped in schoolwork and classes than I ever felt in my undergrad. It's become a habit to decline invitations to most outings and togethers because I simply don't have the time. Not to sound like a brat, but it's been a difficult adjustment for me.
Especially considering the fact that I could have a well paying job tomorrow if I decided to throw the last six months of hard work to the curb. And sometimes I consider doing just that.
Then I talk to my mom, who reminds me why I began this journey in the first place...because the work matters, and it changes lives. I talk to my boyfriend, who never hesitates to remind me that he's here for me every step of the way. I talk to my dogs, who lick my feet and my face and, you know, the inside my mouth if I make the mistake of breathing. I like to think it's their furry way of telling me "we gotchu, keep awn' keepin' awn."
The point of my rambling is that the little negative voice living inside my head has never been so loud. Every day feels like a struggle, and the little negative voice consistently reminds me that I can quit anytime I want to; that I was never cut out to do any of this, anyway. It's times like those that I need the most reassurance. I need the "great job"s and the "I believe in you"s. I need all the words that used to feel like noise. Because some days I still feel unstoppable, and motivated, and excited for the future ahead...but many days, I feel rundown, stressed out, and afraid.
While it's so easy to get caught up in that negativity, it's more important to move forward. This, too, shall pass, and it isn't forever. Now, more than ever, I'm determined to stay positive, because this matters. Now, more than ever, I need to stay true to myself, and stick to my guns. Not for anybody else...for myself.