Friday, May 23, 2014

The Semi-Annual Swim Suit Sob Fest.

Learning to be comfortable with myself and my body is probably one of the biggest struggles I have....along with millions upon millions of girls and women across the globe. No surprise here: we can't all look like Victoria's Secret models. Or maybe we can, but we like cupcakes and margaritas just a little too much to give them up.

When I was 18 going on 19, I started losing weight. It wasn't necessarily a "decision" to get healthy; it was challenging myself to go to the gym or go running almost every day. I didn't let myself have excuses. I remember it was 40 degrees out one night (if you speak fluent Floridian, that's the equivalent of 15 degrees) and I bundled up in a long sleeve shirt, a sweatshirt, a hat, leggings and sweatpants, and I took my happy ass out for a three mile run around campus. I stopped drinking soda and eating crap and the weight melted off. It was such a shock for my body to start consuming healthy foods and wayyyy less sugar, I think it kind of went into panic mode.

Twenty five pounds down was my lowest weight and my happiest - of course I still wanted to be thinner, but I plateaued and kind of stopped caring. I fluctuated. I still fluctuate. Since my lowest weight, I've gained ten pounds. Not everyone can see it, but I can feel it, and that's the worst feeling.

Tonight I tried on a few swim suits I ordered from Victoria's Secret online. I tried a couple different styles that were a little out of my comfort zone. Some Brazilian cuts, a string bikini top, etc. I looked in the mirror and I'm going to be honest: I wanted to cry.

Maybe it's my birth control shot. Maybe it's because I just came back from dinner. Maybe it's because I'm delirious after a 12 hour work day. I just felt awful about myself. I didn't like the way anything fit, I didn't like how I felt in anything.

I took them all off and tried to adjust my mentality. Not every swim suit style is going to look great on me. Sure, I'm known for my booty [sorry, not sorry], but that doesn't mean that a brazilian cut swim suit is going to fit my body perfectly. I don't have boobs - string bikini tops do nothing for girls with no boobs (and girls who aren't thin/super fit).

And you know what? That's fine. That's perfectly fine.

I'm not going to say that I had a sudden rush of confidence, because I didn't. I still told myself that I need to stop making excuses and just go to the gym and eat better. But I also told myself that it's okay to have bad days; it's okay to only look good in full bottom swim suits and push up tops.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. I guess what I'm trying to say is, while I would 100% love to be Karlie Kloss - I am not. I never will be. But with true determination and hard work, I can be the best version of myself. I just want to be comfortable...and while it isn't always an easy journey, it is a journey that will forever be worth the trek. XO


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